Thursday, 4 August 2016

Day 379, Why Am I stressing and hurrying?

At work there is lots of pressure to increase productivity. Everything has to go faster and faster, because Up-Time is very important. However the human factor, thus the human physical work and mental stress is not very much well balanced, it is the last thing on the list to be looked at and to be changed, because productivity matters more. The bulk or volume of products produced is a prerequisite. Why? Because the more is sold, the more money the factory make, which is one of the reasons given that one must work faster and faster, because that is where our salaries are coming from. However it is true that when the company makes money it can keep on existing and thus us continuing getting paid a salary. This is partially true, why? Because if we had a system or a factory that; when they make more money, they immediately also incorporate a raise in one's salary this going faster and faster would have made a little sense. However this of course is not the case, one works faster and faster, but the salary stays the same. To make a comparison, imagine if one was used to jog 10 Miles and then suddenly one must start sprinting 20 Miles without going back to jogging and when finished one gets 3 drops of water as one was getting after jogging 10 Miles.....lol Understand  that raising the salary is also not a prerequisite to make it o.k. now to continue with the abuse.

I see sometimes if I am not here in breath I get stressed when I see that I am not going to make all the tests that are required to be done and also are required to be transfer into/on the computer, because of everything else that is going on around and with the machine that has precedence.

Of the 5 days of work in a week, most of the times I actually only manage to finish all the tests, depending on which specific product I am producing on the machine 3 days. Of which  I haven't done 4 times all the tests that are required to be done in 1 day. One may think/believe that 3 out of 5 is not bad, however in this case it should be 5 out of 5 always.

Now to bring into context the title of this blog: " why am I stressing and hurrying?" I see within and as myself that this happens primarily because of the fear that exists within me of not being able to finish all these tests and also the hurrying part got to do with making sure I produce a higher volume of product during the shift.

The point to consider about myself within all this is that even though on a physical level pace I have to move fast, meaning; my body can cope with the fastness of the work, however the mind is another story, which is sometimes full of judgement about the work and about myself doing the work, which at the end of the day can have as consequence, namely;' fatique.'



Self-forgiveness statements:


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my workplace as being something that is stressful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my workplace as a place where stressful people work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not like it being in the middle of stressful people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself catching myself also being stressful, because I am aware then that I have forgotten to breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see stressful in others as something I judge as stressful, because it bothers me that I see/realize it within myself also.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself when I get into stressful mode of action myself, because I judge myself as participating in the same thing I deem not acceptable myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself be caught up in allowing anger to exist within me as I see others expressing stress within and as my work environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that I am accepting and allowing stress to take over me when working and try to find ways to blame on the amount of work that has to be done, even when deep down I am aware that no matter how many things I have to do physically to get the work done, the stress part is my own creation, I do not need stress in order to function as I have proven to myself many times when I focus within and as my breath and just be here doing what I need to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry about my work because deep down I do not agree with the system I and humanity as a whole accept and allow to exist, where we slave ourselves away, creating a system of lack, creating a system of debt, creating a system of taking from others and be perfectly o.k. with it and even happy about it when we receive our salaries at the end of the month, instead of me seeing the job I have now just as something to support myself meanwhile I am working to and towards solutions to what would be best for me and everyone and everything else on this earth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to most of the times before I go to work sit and contemplate if I should go or not, because I make myself feel like I do not want to participate into doing something that I am aware is busy destroying my own existence and that of others, making my life and that of others more challenging when it is unnecessary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ponder how I can turn the specific job I am doing and make of it something that would be best for myself and others as myself, and see no way of how what I am doing now can support what is best for me and for everyone, because it is not the kind of job where one reaches lots of people with what one is doing on a personal level, it is a job that is more focused on the individual and what the individual specifically do at the job to accumulate more money for the company, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that with the money I make doing this job I can support myself and others as myself and with that keep on searching and doing what would be a best solution for myself and everyone else.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at people within myself when I see them being happy about doing their jobs and talking about all the wonderful things they want to do with their money they get from their job and how they are saving money to do this or that, just because I know that in this system of money as it exists right now, money is not enough and is being taken from others for the one to have, thus seeing this as very abusive and thus cannot accept myself being happy about getting money knowing all this, or seeing others being happy with their money knowing how money is being created in this world, instead of focusing on solutions that will propel all of us into a world that is best for everyone where no-one will be lacking or going without.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at people when I hear them talk about job positions in relation to be able to have a bigger salary/more money, because I am aware that this individual without even knowing it is willing and wanting to take even more from others as him/herself to only satisfy his/her self-interest and it even makes me more angry when I step in and explain how the system works and everyone goes quiet and then after a few moments of letting what I said sink, changing the subject to something else instead of really looking into it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the people I talk to when they go quiet about what I say as maybe, they are feeling ashamed, or maybe they are looking for ways to not agree with me in their minds, or maybe looking at me as someone that is negative, because everything that is real will be seen as a negative if one really look into it, when in reality it is a matter of what is happening being acceptable or unacceptable in relation to what is best for all life or not.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find it very irritable to be around people that talk about wanting to have more money so they can enjoy themselves and live large, just because I am aware how money is being created in this world and I do not agree with the way money is being created and also do not agree that we just accept and allow it without even trying to change it, treating it as if it is something one cannot change, when I am aware that this is not so.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel very irritable when people say the words: " yeah, but there is nothing you can do to change it," because I am aware that, exactly that is one of the reasons given or lived in order for the system to not be changed, because we are all telling ourselves that it is impossible to change it, thus let us continue with the abuse till the end, because this is what it is always going to be, so do not bother try and change it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see within myself to sometimes also have the backchat popping up where I tell myself, " oh this is going nowhere," meaning " " I better just give the F*** up, because world change is about humanity changing, thus if I change and humanity as whole do not change, won't mean a thing, instead of seeing/realizing and understanding that exactly by changing me I can then live the example, showing how to live the change we all want to see in our reality, looking at people whom were just 1 person and how they have shaped the world we live in either in a good way or bad way, however that they did show that even 1 can reach many and influence the many, thus I cannot give up on myself to change myself, by thinking and believing that my change is a waste of my time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see changing of myself as a waste of my time, when within the same breath I also see how disrespectful this is to/towards LIFE, that which unconditionally support me in every breath without never ever judging me in any ways whatsoever, even in moments when I am totally not HERE at all within and as this LIFE, even when I am totally separated with it through my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as maybe not being worthy of standing as life by accepting and allowing of myself applications and perspectives that does not resemble someone that is standing for what would be best for all life.



Will continue in the next blog......................



Thanks.


Larry Manuela





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Saturday, 2 July 2016

Day 378, A Realization About LIFE.

I was watching a video on YouTube this morning and I saw a few people doing prayer. They were giving thanks to their chosen God.

And I started to look into how we give thanks to a God, which is a beLIEve and how we never give thanks to LIFE itself. This made me question within myself why is that I never in the past thanked LIFE itself?

I realized that I NEVER SAW LIFE ITSELF AS BEING ALIVE, Thus that life itself IS alive, as aware of itself as LIFE. I saw life as something that someone or something else can give to another or something, however never that LIFE itself give to itself as LIFE. Thus LIFE does NOT need someone or something in order to exist, it exists on itself, by itself. It is always HERE, whenever and wherever HERE is, life is HERE.

           

Now these Gods, whatever they are in people's minds, in order for them to exist as a God in reality, they have to have had LIFE first, they cannot exist before there was life, because LIFE is before everything, thus God cannot be a creator of LIFE as is being beLIEved in this world. Why? Because it implies that this God somehow was able to have an existence on its own without having any LIFE prior to its own existence, which is impossible!! And besides that, one cannot GIVE what one does not have, not even to oneself, let alone others. What does this mean for this God that most believers, believe into? It means that something that was not alive, did not have LIFE in any ways or form, in its very beginning has been given LIFE by itself somehow magically, and since then is now empowered to create with this gift he/she/it has been given by itself.??? Can one see it?? Thus creating first life without having it and then use that creation of life to create other creations with it??  Does it make any sense?? because apparently this God couldn't create without having to give himself LIFE first??   Now we can go further with these lines of questions. So If God gave LIFE to him/her/it-self without having life at first how did he/she or it exist without having any LIFE before he/she it gave it to him/her itself??

 As I said in the beginning, nothing can exist without LIFE, literally NOTHING. I am placing these questions, in order for people to see that if one keep on going with these questions one will reach a moment where one will see that the believe will start to crumble and it will fall, it cannot hold, because it won't make any sense anymore. Now I do understand that when one believes in God or any other thing that has to do with existence one will try one's best to make sure that the believe one has is protected and defended, because one thinks and believes that one needs it, when in reality one's needs are all taken care of by LIFE itself right here. One breathes in every moment. It is LIFE!! Either one believe or do not believe that one's breath is LIFE, it won't disappear or stop, because one is ungrateful. One will not be punished or not be punished because one did not at least give thanks to LIFE for the breathe of LIFE that LIFE support one with to exist within and as this world, this reality. It just keeps on going, never fringing, no matter what occupies ones mind. Thus LIFE is showing us in every moment that it does not give a F*** what it is one is busy with in ones mind, because it only deals with and support that which is REALITY, that which is REAL!! How many in their lives have given up their believes? Did they stop existing, did the breath stopped? Now lets go even further, when individuals are raping and murdering other individuals, in the moment of their actions, does LIFE leave them, before they could even start or in the middle of what they are doing? This question  is a very challenging question for those whom believe in God, because of what one read about this God as what he did with people whom were " bad/wrong/negative"  and went against him in the books that are telling the tails of these Gods, however not so for me, because I do not believe, I use common sense introspection to assess what is going on, about things I do not understand in a  moment. Thus the answer to that question is rather simple, We cannot, when we are being a raper, see that the one we are raping is another expression as ourselves as this LIFE. In our twisted/sick/abusive behavior we might even like what we are doing without having any inclination about what we are REALLY doing. As the raper we do not have in that very moment the same experience as the one we are raping or murdering. Because as I say, we are unaware of ourselves as LIFE that is within and as us as it is within and as others as ourselves. However because we are expressions of life what we do to ourselves as life have consequences in the reality we find ourselves within and as. Now one can interpret trough ones mind these consequences as : " bad,wrong,negative"  or " good,right or positive," all of which do not matter to what one has accepted and allowed to happen to another as oneself as life and the consequence will play itself out, because by doing it one has created it in reality. We are busy creating in every moment, and at the moment our creations are NOT what would be BEST for all that we are as creations within and as LIFE as outcomes of our creations. Thus whatever we as expressions of LIFE give in LIFE will be visible as our creation within our lives that have an effect and/or  affect lots of others in all of what life is HERE, not only for the ones that do/did it or initiated it, however also for all that are HERE.

The reason I and most of us humans do not see LIFE as alive, is because we are NOT equal and one with and as LIFE. We see LIFE as a thing that is needed in order to have an existence, Something that is separate from us, but not actually that we ARE IT!! However we never see/realize and understand that existence itself IS LIFE, and that we ARE this LIFE. For whatever to exist LIFE must be first, it must have its existence first in LIFE to come out of LIFE. Thus until, we do not become as one as equal as life here, the world as it exists right now will continue up to the point of us annihilating ourselves from this world and in so doing taking with us many other expressions of life that did not had actual deliberate participation in it. We must understand that we are doing it ourselves to ourselves, we are creating our own demise. There is no devil nor is there a god working behind the scenes, only humans with devilish thoughts or godly thoughts creating all of what is here as we know it and can see it, and experience it.
We are creating destruction, violence, abuse in all kinds of forms and manifestations and it is all HERE for all to see. Whatever we as humans create at the moment is reflecting our unawareness of ourselves as LIFE!!

As a man of great influence in my life has placed it once and I quote: " You will be measured by who you are, in what you do about what you see!"  Bernard Poolman.

These words I will never forget, because they speak volume about what I accept and allow to happen in my life and in lives of others in this world. To me these words are like, the greatest truth I have ever heard in my life.


Thanks.


Larry Manuela



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Wednesday, 29 June 2016

Day 377. Why Is GIVING Such a Problem For us The Humans?

Many of us humans, know that we have a problem with giving. We have created a society where if one is in the act of giving, it is being seen as a abnormality, something outside the norms, and we have managed to change the word; giving in some cases and call it charity, as if when one do this charity,  it is seen as an act of being noble and even an act of caring.

       

As one can see that which we have given other names to, is so, so we can see ourselves as beings that are caring, is actually telling us something about the way we live, the way we have come to shape our societies, where the act of giving is not a norm, has become something we do once in awhile in order to feel good about ourselves, because deep down we are aware that the way our societies are shaped is not healthy and goes against the nature of life on this earth, which is TO GIVE!!

Our foods are a gift
Our bodies are a gift
Our earth is a gift
All the resources we use to built and create things with in this world are gifts of LIFE.
Our breath is a gift
Life itself is a gift

Have a look. Do we pay the foods we eat? Do we pay the earth for the body it gives us to express within and as? Do we pay the Sun and Moon?  Do we pay the air we breathe? Do we pay the water itself we drink and wash ourselves with? Do we pay the resources we use? Do we pay life ?  Whom do we pay? Is it not the humans we are paying with the fruits of our labors and the fruits of our talents? Why does the human believe so much so that it even went as far as creating a system wherein it needs to be paid because it has contributed to something? Why is contributing to society not a gift, but something that one rather be paid for? Why do we see giving as something weak and not valuable and in some cases even wrong when everything we need that we are using in this world is a gift to us?

Life support itself through all that it is through giving.

Now we are going to school to study something, because we have made of our lives something that needs to be paid for. Everyone is doing something in order to get paid, and with getting paid, I do not necessarily mean; getting money, however the fact that one thinks and believe that one needs to "get" something because one have done something, contributed to something, this pattern is related to wanting/wishing to be special.
The idea of wanting to be special have brought lots of problems we now face in this world.
The whole wanting to be better than others in whatever, or thinking and believing that one is more than others or has more value than others stems from this want, this wish, this desire to be special.
As we can clearly see specialness can only exist in separation, and not in Equality and Oneness of life HERE. Specialness is conflict and friction, not necessarily something that is " bad/wrong/negative," however something that requires energy to exist, it cannot exist HERE in Breath, in effortless flow of life as Equality and Oneness.

Thus the solution to our problem as humanity is to start living the word: " GIVING." Enough with living the word: " PAYING!!"  Enough with living the word: " SPECIAL!!"


Thanks,



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Wednesday, 15 June 2016

Day 376, Who Am I In The Word Support PART 4

For context here are the 3 previous blogs related to this one.


http://larry7yearwalk.blogspot.nl/2016/06/day-375-who-am-i-in-support-part-3.html


http://larry7yearwalk.blogspot.nl/2016/05/day-374-who-am-i-in-word-support-part-2.html


http://larry7yearwalk.blogspot.nl/2016/04/day-373-who-am-i-in-word-support.html


Now continuing with finishing of on this point.



                                 

Self-Commitment statements:

I see, realize and understand that I am not prioritizing what I need to do in my life, because it gives me the self-interest outcome of  postponing on myself a little bit longer, meaning stretching my time in order to indulge in self-interest interest.


I see, realize and understand that I am in my mind trying to compress my process, as looking for a way to shortcut it, however by doing this I keep on looking within  my mind for a shortcut that never comes, because there is no real physical/practical movement, no real doing practically, and by only actually doing what I need to do in regards to my process the shortcut comes in the form of digging deeper into myself as to assessing how I created myself to be and become what I am up to this moment.


I see, realize and understand that I am living a personality out in the world of someone that is a nice person, to avoid myself getting into trouble with other people and also to avoid speaking my own truth and also speaking out common sense perspectives I see within others that might be very uncomfortable for the other, and due to it being an uncomfortable topic or issue, I can avoid it by being nice to everyone.

I see, realize and understand that I avoid to talk to people about uncomfortable points, because of self-judgement I had in relation to past experiences I had in the past wherein I became angry and the anger turned into rage, and thus not wanting myself to be rage, I avoid all of it completely.

I see/realize and understand that the rage that exists within me is about me holding on to anger and fear within me for a long time, and because it has accumulated so much of energy within me, it has to come out some time, thus when the opportunity is here, it all comes out as rage.

I see/realize and understand that through/via rage I am being the abuser I am myself trying to stop outside myself as another as myself, when in reality I am equally participating in the same construct.


I see/realize and understand that I am sometimes refusing help from others, because I judge their help as a debt, as a way they can get back at me when they need me, and have then something to throw at my face, they can use it to their advantage against me IF I cannot be of help to them.

I see/realize and understand that I have created a whole defense mechanism about this issue of being helped within myself to deliberately based on my self-judgement of being helped by others, to always help people without an agenda, just to like show others: " see, this is how it is suppose to be like." thus turning my helping others into kind of like a revenge kind of thing.


I see/realize and understand that all of this self-judgement within me is suiting the fear of being abused by others that exists within me as me as thoughts and memories.


I see/realize and understand that I postpone my own process because I use the self-created believe that I still have time, so I can take it slow, no need to rush or anything......however I am also aware that I am not aware when my time will be up and then it will be too late. Thus just working on myself as I should is what needs to be done.


I commit myself to push myself however with care and patience to prioritize and personalize my process in a way that it works best for me and wherein I do not have the " feeling" that I am overwhelmed by my process and that it is a drag.

I commit myself to stop trying to find an easy way out, a easier way to do process, which does not exist, it only exist in my mind as an illusion, because changing me requires real practical physical movement and application in real physical time.


I commit myself to be directive within expressing myself and stand within I am aware is common sense and what is best for all, and what I accept and allow and what I will not accept and allow.


I commit myself to work on my fears of being abused by others through applying myself in self forgiveness in every moment points like these come up within me, in order to not create believes that lead to consequences of me participating in this world as someone I am not.


I commit myself to keep on digging on the anger that exists within me that I have accumulated in the past within me through forgiving me and to really work out all of it so I cannot be influenced by them anymore, because they do not exist within me anymore.


I commit myself to work on my issue of fearing to be helped by others because of the believe I have created within me about others wanting to use that as a means to have an advantage over me through self forgiveness in order to free myself completely from this self created believe till there is none of it left in me that can influence my decision making and thus little by little allowing myself to be helped by others if asked and if needed.

I commit myself to work on my postponement point for real till it does not exist within me anymore, making sure that whenever I see myself going into or I am about to go into deliberately postpone my process, to stop and breathe and forgive it and then work it out through forgiveness.




Thanks.



Larry Manuela




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Monday, 13 June 2016

Day 375, Who Am I in the Word Support PART 3

I left off in my previous blog writing out the following:


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have abused others more than a dozen times in my life, because of having power and control over them, because I see fear in them, instead of choosing to assist and support them to not be in fear and also for myself to assist and support myself to not go into fear myself that turns into rage, that than have an outflow of physical abuse to/towards another as myself.



Now in this blog will continue.

for more context I suggest reading the two previous blogs about this point.


http://larry7yearwalk.blogspot.nl/2016/05/day-374-who-am-i-in-word-support-part-2.html


http://larry7yearwalk.blogspot.nl/2016/04/day-373-who-am-i-in-word-support.html










continuing with Self-Forgiveness:


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a victim that needs to fight against a bully or an abuser to protect myself, without seeing/realizing and understanding by fighting against a bully which is an abuser, I am in fact equal and one with the very thing I am against.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a nice person, because by being a nice person I can manipulate others into liking me, accepting what I term me or find myself to be more easily, without seeing/realizing and understanding that what I perceive myself to be is of a personality design within and as my mind conscious system, that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to portray myself as a nice person, because it makes my living process much easier, as if  "easy" is what life should be like, when in reality I am aware that because of what I have accepted and allowed to be done to life in my name, in my participation, either direct or indirect has contributed to an uneasy way of living for myself and for all other forms of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have an easy life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish/want and desire to have an easy life, because I am living a life that is the reverse of how I should be living life, which is to live a life that has results that are best for all of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to be helped when I was aware within and as myself that I do need the help in these moments, however just because of my own self-judgments have refused the help offered by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to let others help me, because I judge them helping in order for me to later on be also of help to them when they need it, thus a form of owing them something because they helped me once.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge that others are helping or are wanting to help me, because they want to have something to tell me if one day they need my help and I cannot, than they can rub it in my face how they helped me in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to hold that judgement within me about others and therefore most of the time refuse to be helped, because of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse help based on my self-judgement, because it suits my self-interest, self-created believe that others are out to manipulate me and use me, take advantage of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  to turn this self-judgement out within my world and be against it in practical living where I will help individuals to show them that I am helping them without having an agenda, that I am not helping them because I might need there help one day, thus I help them now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that helping someone based on these premises/these points are based on my self-interest need of tackling and fighting against my own self-judgement projected to/towards others as myself as life here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/ realize and understand that behind this self-judgment is the fear of being abused and used by others as myself within and as myself existing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a fear based character within and as myself that deals with this self-created opinion/self-judgement about others so that I can keep on feeding this deep rooted underneath the veil fear, that hides itself there in order for me to not face it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep this fear of others wanting to abuse or use me intact within me in order to generate more energy for my mind consciousness system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lack in proceeding in working out my inner problems as I should.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to not proceed as I should because it suits my self-interest to put a hold on myself, thus a hold-on on my self-change, a hold-on on facing all of what I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone my self-change, because of thinking and believing that I still have time, I delude myself with myself still having time, and take it too slow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it too slow just because I allow myself to indulge into points I haven't cleared out about myself yet totally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect my common sense perspectives about myself even when they are clear as daylight what I am accepting and allowing to exist within me as me in every given moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not support myself in the moments of seeing/realizing and understanding that I am letting myself down in not proceeding with what I am aware I must do to change myself in every moment of breath.


Will continue in the next blog.....................


Thanks.



Larry Manuela



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Monday, 30 May 2016

Day 374, who Am I in the Word Support, Part 2

Thus within the understanding what I have experienced within my own living, I have come to have an understanding about this word.
So the question is, How do I support myself within my own process.

Keywords that I need, to deconstruct the patterns I have created for and about myself.


  •  Priority
  •  Being nice
  •  Refusal
  •  Self-judgement
  •  Lacking in procedure



This list represents what I have to let go of or change and also what I need to work on, about myself.
For example, when it comes to prioritizing what I need to do or not to do, what comes first and so on I need to work on all that.

                                                               

                                                                   
                                                           


Self-forgiveness statements:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live my life in a certain way wherein I do not prioritize anything, however just do some things in some of the moments they present themselves to me and others I put them on hold and then time keep on passing without me doing them anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put what I have placed as separate from me on hold as not me and in this not attending and assessing me so I can stand one and equal with and as who I am in this moment and then making sure that  I can direct myself as me as one as equal as all as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand, that prioritizing my personal life on any level means me standing up within and as myself, pushing me to take a stand and stance within myself to what I will accept  and allow within me and to what I will not accept and allow within me.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to prioritize my personal process in a way I am aware I can live it to my best abilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not personalize and prioritize my process in a way that will work best for me, because I keep on looking for ways to find a way to do all of that in my head but not put any into practice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for a way to compress my own process in my head, however not seeing/realizing/ and understanding that the only compression that will take place is in the actual doing itself, and not looking for ideas to do it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for too long to live this character manifestation of " being nice" in my life, to an extent that it has become part of who I am in this world, where I see that within it, I suppress myself for others, I neglect myself, my own personal process to heed the plight of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide behind this character of " being nice" in order to not really be direct as what I see is not acceptable, however use this " being nice" character to not get myself into so called: " trouble."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest myself as a nice person, because of my fear of being in trouble with other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting into trouble with other people because of what I have told myself about myself, because of a few incidents that happened within my life in the past wherein I would literally become rage, because I have accepted and allowed anger to turn into rage and then use rage to force my body into real physical fights, wherein only rage as anger exists and I accept and is willing to even die like this in that moment.

let me take a moment here, to really look into this rage thingy. First there is this fear that comes up within me as backchat and I say then to myself: "  I might get my ass kicked by this person,"  then this fear because of what I have told myself turns into anger, and it turns into anger because I do not accept another abusing another just because they believe they can, thus me having this judgement about them in that moment turns into this rage wherein I do not give a F*** anymore, and I in that moment embrace the rage totally, like cacooning myself into this rage, because when I do that there is no more experience of fear, just rage is left over, I feel no more pain, or if there is pain, it makes me as this rage worse. Like the pain makes the rage go higher. I found that when the other person look at me they can see that rage in me and I can see they get scared, and because I can see that in their faces, I become abusive, because I have learnt that when someone else see no fear in your face or eyes or the way you move your body, it makes them fearful, thus when one does not express fear, the one that fears will get into more fear within themselves. Thus because I could see that I abused them. Thus in other words, the rage possession takes over, I allow it to take over, and use it totally into my self-interest advantage. Thus I took a moment of abuse done to me and turns it into abuse done BY me, exactly what I, myself did not accept about others abusing another. Thus I became the abuser myself in that moment.

Thus within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the backchat: " I might get my ass kicked by this person," to exist within me as me as the mind as energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the fear within me to be ass-kicked by another person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the fear of possibly being ass-kicked by another person to transform it into anger and then use anger to transform it into rage, all by all energies within and as my mind consciousness system to fuel itself within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge another as myself as being abusive, without seeing/realizing/ and understanding that there exists self-abuse within myself that I haven't worked out yet, thus instead of working them out, I make the decision to separate me from them and project it out of me unto another as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get into rage, because within this energy within myself I can abuse another physically, because it gives me a false sense of power and control over another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have power and control over another and  in a way fear it and like it at the same time, making sure by fearing and liking it, to continue with having it within me, because by fearing it, I am trying to avoid it, and by liking it, I accept it and can abuse another as myself with it to suit my self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a sense of power within me when I see that I am busy igniting fear in another as myself and within this use that as a weapon to abuse the other, because he is accepting and allowing the fear about me to exist within him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become the very manifestation of abuser that I in the beginning of starting a fight did not accept.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have abused others more than a dozen times in my life, because of having power and control over them, because I see fear in them, instead of choosing to assist and support them to not be in fear and also for myself to assist and support myself to not go into fear myself that turns into rage, that than have an outflow of physical abuse to/towards another as myself.


To be continued..................................



Thanks.


Larry Manuela


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Wednesday, 13 April 2016

Day 373, Who Am I in the word: Support

Now this word I have been learning to implement it within my own living. To support another is easy for me in the sense that I have proven for myself already that I can support another through words, through physical actions, through money, and sometimes by just being HERE without having to say anything, however the support is in the " being here" with another as myself.

                                   

However, I am lacking in when it comes to supporting myself. It is like me putting myself down and put everyone else first, or not first, but I see their problems and needs to have a more expedient priority than my own problems and needs.
I always say to myself:  " you can do yours later, you always manage somehow to attend to yours later."

However, this " later" never comes, because there is always someone with problems and with needs that seem to be in need of my support in whatever ways.

I see that I have been supporting too much others and not myself, as if supporting myself is not of real value.

I have been noticing not only lately, but a long time already, that I am very easy in seeing when and where one needs my physical support, for example at work or elsewhere. It may appear to someone else that I am being nice or helpful or as some would say: " a gentlemen."

However to me it is more like, what I want for myself in that moment, and not from a self-interest point of view, however so, from the point of view of me already gone through a similar experience and wanted and needed some help but did not get it from anyone and thus having an understanding of how the experience must be for another as myself, thus I just attend to what I see without having to be asked.

Sometimes I also encounter people that even though everyone can see they need a little help, would refuse the help, and say: " no don't do it, I can do it myself!" Thus these people are like my reflection of what I have to do for myself, only that part: " I can do it myself!"

Even I, have been in situations where I would refuse help from another, when within myself I am aware that I DO need the help in that moment, but refuse it anyways, because there was a thought within myself or a judgment within myself that, that someone else may be thinking and believing that I cannot do it myself, thus I refuse the help based on that self-judgement, however yet projected on another as myself.

Refusing support is also self-interest in some cases, if it is not practical in supporting oneself, if it is not having to do with one's point of reaching one's utmost potential. Because sometimes or even more than sometimes someone else may have another way of doing something that might work best for oneself, but if one refuse the help one will never learn from that other person and one will also be continuing doing something believing that one is doing one's best when it is not so in reality, one have not reached one's best yet, or one is not busy with doing one's best yet. Thus support can mean in some instances, getting to learn more about one's own potential where there is a lacking in procedure, and see that one can be even more effective in that same point where one believed one did not need any support in it from someone else.

Thus what I need to do in supporting of myself is start picking up the crumbles of my leftovers as I was walking to/towards and focusing too much on the supporting of others as myself and did not even within the supporting of others see/realize and understand that, I was leaving crumbles behind as a reminder what I need to do for and about myself in being and becoming, living my highest potential.



In the following blog, I will be doing the deconstruction of this pattern within my life.


Thanks.


Larry Manuela


Join us at: Desteni

Have a look at Equalmoney the solution to all the problems in this world.


Support our research and buy one or more products that will assist and support you greatly in understanding what is actually going on in life, through;  EQAFE

And do the life course and perfect yourself: DIP

Study this  proposal which is:  LIG